Sunday, September 23, 2012

The Big, Black and Frightening Future

Tomorrow, 24th of September 2012, marks one week of us not talking to each other. One week of me tossing and turning, wondering where did it all go wrong. One week of endless pain knifing through my insides when I look at you, when I see you laughing without me. 

I question myself, why does God have such a twisted sense of humour. He makes me happy and gave me someone I cared for with all my heart, then He takes you away from my life. Again. Is it really my fault or was this His plans even from the beginning? I asked so many questions and so many of them remain yet unanswered. What is clear though, is that I miss you. 

I miss the glint in your eyes, just for a brief moment before you break into a burst of laughter because something amused you. I miss that look you give me when something bugs you. I miss the way we never have to say a word sometimes because we know each other. That familiarity.. It doesn't come so easily in life. The kind of friendship we had doesn't just fall from the sky. 

It's funny. I've always told myself that even if we were to stop being friends, it would be because we fell out. And I've always had dark thoughts that our friendship would end with the ending to our school life. Never, never ever in my wildest, darkest thoughts, would I have ever imagined losing our friendship.. Losing you to something so.. silly and immature. 

Whatever and whoever caused this, I want to put it all aside. I don't want to dwell on what broke us apart. I want to remember you as you were before all this mess. I want to remember the last time I walked you home and you hugged me tight for one brief moment, before letting me go and walking in the opposite direction. I want to remember you just in that perfect moment. 

Funny how I've always taken you for granted. I didn't buy you a birthday gift. Even though you denied it, I know you wished I did. I could see it in your eyes when I deliberated what to get for another friend of mine I saw it and yet I ignored it. I wanted to, I was so close to. I kept thinking of what you jokingly asked for. I'm sorry. I never knew I'd lose you so soon. 

I don't why you have changed. A lot. It's like I don't even know you anymore. The one I knew was a beautiful girl, so different from me, yet so similar. That perfectionist who nagged me when I don't take care of myself and who will ignore my warning not to eat keropok lekor just because you craved for them, then complain of your rashes because you ate them. 

I miss that sister from another faith of mine that protected me so fiercely from those who would hurt me. That sister who loved me and would do anything to make me happy. The one that I called when I needed someone to cry to. And the one that nearly cried with me while I grieved the pain of losing him. That sister of mine. She's the one I miss so much right now. 

This post isn't about what happened, nor is it about that person who started all this. This post is about you. And how I miss you. How I will always miss you and will always love you. Even though I know I may not deserve to love you. I realize I haven't been the best of friends. I don't know what's happening right now. But I do know one thing: I love you. Even with all this miss around us. 

So.. If you're reading this.. It's okay if you don't want to be my best friend again, just forgive me. Please? Take care, and please know that I'll always be there for you. Even at times when I seem not to care. I miss you, pig. I really do. 

A


Saturday, September 22, 2012

My New Short Story


WHAM! Sally slammed the door behind her, leaving the bleeding part of her heart on the other side of the door. Something shiny caught her eye. A penknife. Probably left by her mom while she raced on her deadline to finish her artwork. It has always been about that, her art, her work, her life, her events. Sally wanted to scream her frustration. But rather than scream on the outside, she’d rather do it on the inside. Inside, where she can finally be alone, with her fears and worries.

            The knife glinted in her sight. It caught the sunlight at such an angle that it shone brilliantly. Sally picked it up, running her fingers on the blade, testing its sharpness. She gasped as a bead of red, warm blood prickled where the knife left a trail. It trailed down, following the knife on a deadly race as it splattered onto the white fur carpet of her room. 

            Maybe she needed to be like that trail of blood, moving forward even if what made you left was painful and you wanted to stay so badly. The knife may hurt and cut all that you have known open, but in the end, you just got to move on.




            Giggles. Giggles everywhere. Loud shrieks, promising happiness and youthful innocence surrounded her. She used to be like them, these girls who laughed loudly and shrieked while their friends chased them. Now all she can do is smirk. Smirk, not because there’s any bit of amusement in her heart. Rather, it’s because she will never be like them. She will never fit in with these girls.

            They called her many names. FreakWeirdo, all those hurtful things people use to label others who are different. And different Sally was. She wasn’t athletic, musical, beautiful or even smart. She was just different from people of her age. At sixteen, she’d rather spend her day reading on articles about revolutions and such than hanging out with her peer. She spent her free time delving into historical facts and religious articles.

            Today was no different. Today, it was Jainism. It intrigued her deeply. Jainism stresses on compassion for all life, human or non-human. She liked that. The concept where everything should be treated nicely for they are all souls, even if they are different. It’s funny how children seem to practice what Jainism preach subconsciously. How did it all change? She remembered what it was like to be a child, where clothes didn’t matter, money was just pieces of paper adults use in stores and ice-cream could solve every conflict between two friends.

            She sat at the edge of the cafeteria, watching the others having the time of their lives. A tiny part of her yearns to join their girlish games. She squashed that part down, far away from the surface of her heart. She couldn’t join them anyway, even if she managed to convince herself to try. She mused on what their reaction might be should The Freak tried to join them. That got her filled with dark laughter.

            A head turned into her direction as her laughter broke loose . She found Elizabeth looking at her, and just for one split second Sally thought she saw a questioning look. “What’s so funny?” Elizabeth seemed to ask through her squinting eyes. Then Elizabeth’s new friend dragged her away before their eye contact could last for any longer than that one brief moment. Not that Sally minded anymore.

            Elizabeth used to be her best friend. Elizabeth is also the reason she stopped believing in such nonsense. There are no such things as best friends, just people who you can rely on. People who are important to you. Actions speak louder than mere words such as best friends. People change, best friends turn into people who laugh behind your back. Eventually, you’re all alone again. That’s life. The saddest yet most relieving thing about life is that it moves on.

            Sometimes, you just need the closure. You need to let it go. Let it drown with your tears of sorrow. A wise man once said, “Tears clean the windows of your soul” and Sally knew there’s some truth behind those words. She would know, for she had cried a lot. She, who felt the pain of so many people leaving her when they’ve promised a lifetime together.

            It was not only Elizabeth, there was also her brother. Her brother, Ryan. Her brother who used to be so loving and who doted upon her. She loved him with all her heart and she thought he loved her just as much. But then again, remember, people change. So he did one day, he left her all alone. At first she bleed, and cried upon his departure. But in time, she learnt an important lesson. Never to trust anyone. Not even those who once made you smile and laugh.

            Sally felt that she is full of scars. Not from battle wounds, but rather from painful memories she fought off as they threaten to unnerve her away from her path of solidarity. Yes, she was alone. She still gets scared sometimes. Scared of the big, black, undetermined future ahead, knowing that she’s on her path alone. However alone she may be, she knows that she’s better off this way. Better to be alone for your entire life than be with the wrong people even just for a second.

            And so, Sally walked away from the cafeteria. That was not all she walked away from. She walked away from what was once part of her life. There, at the edge of the cafeteria, she left the memories of Ryan and Elizabeth. She embraced the loneliness and she walked on.

The End

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Drama Drama Drama

Okay. Gosh. You wont believe what just happened! Erm, how do I start..

ASDFGHJKL I was chosen to act in this short film which will be aired on astro. SO YEAH. xD

Mind you, I'm not showing off. I kept this a secret from everyone.. until I was sure. I just felt like blogging, and et voila~ A blog update about what's happening in my life right now.

It started with a harmless tryout at an audition held by this director who's an ex-Georgian. Just tried out for fun. Didn't give it much thought initially. But then, WHAM! A text from the director, telling me I got chosen. *insert le random, loud squeal*

So today was Day 1 out of the two days of shooting. Let me tell you, it's fun. Tiring but fun. I will never be able to watch anything that has been filmed the same way again. Every scene is like a new adventure and every time you film it, it's not exactly the same. It's different, your posture, your lines, there's a little subtle difference each time that most of the time, only you will notice.

But I can say, that being an actress is a little overrated. It's not easy. Life is not a breeze. And this is coming from a sixteen year old (barely) who has had ONE shooting for a short film. But it was fun. And I'd do it again, any day. That's all for now.

A

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Oh How I Miss You

Today is your birthday. Today was the day God created someone I felt so attuned to. Today was the day He set you free into the world. 

I don't know where we stand now. I don't know what we are. I don't even know what I want. But I do know one thing, I am glad you were born. I am glad I was given an opportunity to meet you. To get to know what a wonderful person you are. Sixteen years ago, on a tiny island called Penang, you were born. And I'm glad. 

I feel like I walking through water. Like I'm just having a bad nightmare. Because I actually texted you. But how I wish I was not such a wimp. How I wish I called rather than just send a measly text. How I wish I called and sang for you at the top of my lungs. I could go on forever about how I wish things were. But they aren't the way I want it, now are they? 

I know you're mad at me. I even have a rough idea why. But believe me, I still care. I know I'm a grouch, and all the things I'm doing to you are hurting you. But sweety, you'll always be my sister. Sister from a different mother, a different father and a different culture. But still my sister. Always. 

Remember my promise to you? That I want to get you a puppy? That we will go to SPCA together and get you a puppy since you're brother is away? I planned it all out in my head. But that's the past isn't it? But I won't stop praying. I will keep hoping. Maybe one day, the hope will die out. Fade away, blew away.. but for now, I'm still hoping. Still praying. 

I mean what I texted you. I hope you're happy. Now, and always. Forever. God bless you. And happy birthday. I love you. 

Oh How I Miss You. 

Laughing with you is where I want to be right now. 

Friday, April 27, 2012

The Truth

It stings. I'm gonna be honest here. You called me your sister, you should know better. So, I finally figured out why you're so goddamned pissed at me. Let me just say.. WOAH! I never thought off the billion of reasons you could be mad at me about, SHE would be one of them. Come on, la! 

Just... Do whatever you want, alright? Since, you left me all alone because you want me to figure things out for myself. Rightttttt. You know what, I give up! I don't want all this crap anymore. I thought you were my oldest, bestest and most understanding friend. I guess I misjudged you. 

I'm sorry alright? I'm sorry I'm not as fake as her. Have fun with her. I hope you learn your lesson. I hope you can see through her lies. She's not that perfect okay? And here I was thinking, u knew all that. I wish you the best of luck. I pray for your joy. Goodbye, old friend. 

A

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

[H]old [O]n [P]ain [E]nds

Hope. Simple isn't it? Have you ever heard of the saying, "When you reach the bottom , do not be in despair, because then, the only way to go is up?". Well, I feel like I have hit rock bottom. Allah SWT is seriously testing me right now. He knows I'm strong enough, but he still wants to test me. 

One: You left me. Jaan, you left me without another word. It still stings. Today, it's been more than weeks, but damn, it still hurts. Like a wound that never heals. I'm sorry. Maaf karo. 

Two: I'm sorry, kakak. I'm sorry if I disappointed you. It is not my wish to do so. I'm merely trying my best to not end up hurt anymore. I can't keep going on like this. But believe me, kak, there's not a day that passes by without the thought of you passing through my head. What are u doing right now or how are you coping with life. Those things run like a never ending loop in my head. I miss you. I truly do. But I'm making baby steps towards independence. However, I cannot lie to myself. One word from you and all my will would crumble to dust. A part of me wish for this to happen, another part don't. Ironic isn't it? 

Three: To my best friend (I hope you don't mind that I'm still calling you that. Reality is hard to get used to), I'm sorry for whatever I did. If I ever hurt you, I hope God repays back all the times I hurt you to me. I don't know and probably never will know the reason why this is happening to us but I want you to know I'm sorry. For anything and everything. Especially for letting go. Because that is what I'm doing right now, letting go. 

Anyone else I have hurt throughout the whole time I have been moody, grouchy, hurtful, bitchy and mean.. I'm truly sorry. Forgive me. For I was going through a rough spot. It is not an excuse for me to take it out on you guys, but I'm still sorry. Truly sorry. 

I want to promise myself that starting tomorrow, 25th April 2012, I shall be a stronger person. I shall. Amin. 

A

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Demanding? You can say that! ;D


Don't care if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend right now.
don't care if you are a guy or a woman or Michael Jackson.
Just read this, it will make a difference.
If only everyone could see this and understand it.


When she stares at your mouth
Kiss her

When she pushes you or hits you like a dummy cause she
thinks shes stronger than you
Grab her and don't let go

When she starts cursing at you trying to act all tough
Kiss her and tell her you love her

When she's quiet
Ask her whats wrong

When she ignores you
Give her your attention

When she pulls away
Pull her back

When you see her at her worst
Tell her she's beautiful

When you see her start crying
Just hold her and don't say a word

When you see her walking
Sneak up and hug her waist from behind

When she's scared
Protect her

When she steals your favorite hoodie
Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night

When she teases you
Tease her back and make her laugh

When she doesn't answer for a long time
reassure her that everything is okay

When she looks at you with doubt
Back yourself up

When she says that she loves you
she really does more than you can understand

When she grabs at your hands
Hold her's and play with her fingers

When she bumps into you;
bump into her back and make her laugh

When she tells you a secret
keep it safe and untold

When she looks at you in your eyes
dont look away until she does

When she says it's over
she still wants you to be hers

When she reposts this bulletin
she wants you to read it

- Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything
- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
- When she says she's ok don't believe it, talk with her because 10 yrs later she'll remember you
- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
-Treat her like she's all that matters to you
- Stay up all night with her when she's sick
- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid
- Give her the world.
- Let her wear your clothes
-When she's bored and sad, hang out with her
-Let her know she's important.


- Don't talk about other girls around her
- Kiss her in the pouring rain
- When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is:


"Whose ass am i kicking baby?"

by: Mary Junelee L. Resabal

A wound. A heart wound.

I'm love-lorn. According to Shawn, that is. But I dont listen to him, cz most of the time, theres a reason we're friends, and tht because we both crap more than make sense. Anyways.. Yes, I'm heartbroken.

In Hindi, to call a loved one by an endearing nickname is to call them Jaantush or Jaan for short. According to my friends, this means love, life, sweetheart and practically everything endearing.

I feel... Like a part of me has been torn out of my body. Forced out, screaming and bloody. Yes, it's that gory. You see, when a part of you is torn out.. You bleed, it hurts, it takes time to heal and the best part is... You feel lighter but.. you feel empty. Hollow. Like you've been burrowed through.

You feel like crap. And yes, thats how i feel right now. That's exactly how. 

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Holidays, the perfect time for dramas.


So.. Yeah, Chinese New Year Holidays. Blissful week. I just love it. Every moment of procrastination i did was perfection. I love school holidays. 

So that video, yeah, it's the song that i can't get it out of my head for the moment. Also Michael Learns To Rock- That's Why You Go Away or something like that. I love all these golden songs. 

Ok, I have nothing much to say actually, just though of updating. Kay then, bubbye! 

xx

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Long Distance Relationship.

This is a tribute to those of you amazing people out there who are in a long distance relationship. My hat's off to you amazing, trusting people. 

I watched this video today. It made me cry. It restored my faith in humanity, it made me believe that anything is possible. That love knows no boundaries. 


This couple, they are just so sweet. I can see that it's not as easy as it seems. That the difference in time zones are not just small things. The way this couple trust each other, that restored my faith in people. I promise myself I will be more tolerating with people after this. 

It's not easy. And I feel that people ought to stop judging these long distanced relationship as "puppy love" and "delusional, desperate relationships". Love isn't something you can control. What i realized that, love can just happen in the blink of an eye or it might even take years to bloom. It isn't the distance that matter, it's the effort you give to work your relationship. 

I feel that people who are in long distanced relationships are more appreciative of their significant other because of the faith and trust you put into the other person. You KNOW that you can trust them despite not being able to be there to witness anything. And people who are in long distanced relationships truly make an effort to stay in touch, some to the length of dining in front of their laptops to have a "candlelight dinner" with their significant others. 

So, here's to long distance relationships and people in them. May you all always be blessed, and strong enough to beat anything and everything. 

PS: I miss my long distanced best friend. :( I hope he returns soon. <3

xx

Friday, December 30, 2011

The Perfect End to a Wonderful Year

Today is the last day of 2011. Ahh, wonderful year it has been. I feel like recapping all the things I have been blessed with during this year. 

  1. I was placed into a great class. I'm not talking about academically. Academic wise, hell yes, we're awesome, 3Zamrud. I'm talking about class spirit, and cooperation and just the fact that our class is made up of wonderful, amazing people. I have never had such a lovely class. And for that, I thank all of you. We never had any theft problems. I could leave anything of any value on my table and see it there when I return. God bless you people. I hope to have that chance to be in your presence again, but no such luck in Form 4 and Form 5. 
  2. I had amazing, captivating teachers. To my teachers, there are no ways in which i can repay you. Pn Sazzlina, Pn Asmimi, Ms Teh, Ms Guna, Ms Tang, Pn Kamalambal, Pn Rita, Pn Audrey, Mr Adham, Ust Sahilah and other teachers who have had the patience of putting up with me this year, thank you so very much. No words can convey my gratefulness. 
  3. I had an amazing experience as a debater this year despite it being Exam Year. Ms Kamala Veni, thank you for giving that opportunity to debate with the Dalat people. I will try to do better. 
  4. To my kakak, for being the best kakak anyone can be blessed with. You have been an amazing guidance, role model and companion. You have looked out for me since I was a Form 1 girl, until I am now. You're an amazing person and you will always be my kakak to me. 
  5. To Someone (who wishes to remain as Someone), I thank you for always being around, always giving in when we fight, always letting me win, always putting up with my mood swings. You have been the very best friend a girl can wish for. For 2012, why dont we try not to fight? Impossible, i know. *wink wink* I can always count on you, I know. Thanks. 
  6. To the little minority i can call my true friends, who have remain my friends through thick and thin and not give in to the status quo, you guys are people I truly love and adore. I hope I can be as good to you as you are to me. I hope this will always go on. Thank you very much. 
  7. To my parents, who have always accepted the fact they have unleashed a temperamental, psychotic and hard to understand person to the world, I can never repay you for everything you've done. Every sacrifice, tears, financial sacrifice, (not to mention all the clothes and shoes I have been taking away from my mom), I have nothing to say but I Love You. I might not seem to feel that way, but really, I do. Always remember, I'm a big headed teenager with gallons of  hormones pumping in my veins. 
Here's to all the amazing people in my life. I might not mention you here personally but no worries, it's there in my thoughts and heart. I hope to be able to go through 2012 with all of you at my side. God bless! 

May 2012 bring you enough joy to make you happy, enough sorrow to make you strong, enough money . 

All the best, 
Alia (31st December 2011)

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Missing You.

I miss you. I wish you're always around. Life would be so great that way. But things never work out how we want them to. We always have complications. It's never perfect. 

When I'm lying around doing nothing, I think of you. Wishing you're there with me. When I'm sad, I think of you. Wishing you could hug me and tell me it's gonna be okay. But I miss you the most when I'm happy. Cause thats when I wish you could feel the same way. 

If only you can hear what I'm feeling. 

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

New blog entry :)

So... I'm gonna use my Blogger to post stuff so that you can see it when you get back, aite?

I did the Maths exam, like FINALLY. But it doesn't change the fact that I suck at Algebra, though I think I'm better than you. :P The rumor is that some people only got 20/60 for the first paper... and I'm seriously scared. But at least I answered almost everything. Gosh, if you were here, we'd talk all day about how terrible Maths is.

And today, I got my new specs. I so wish you were around to see it, I mean... it's so cool... I'll take a pic so you can see it...someday. XD too lazy... you know me. :D

And dayyum, I'm trying to tell myself 3 months is not long but even MY Maths isn't THAT terrible. XP
Miss you, silly.

I wonder what you will be doing when you read this. -smiles-

Miss you.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Happy and Sad?

Happy and sad is an oxymoron(no, it's not a moron). Like bittersweet, no way it exists but you wirte it to describe a feeling.

Wth? Since when I'm like, explaining bout grammar? >.<
>_>

Anyways, What would you do if someone you knew for years suddenly had a drastic personality makeover?
And somehow, you couldnt catch up with all the changes? What would you do? Do tell me, I have no idea of what to be done with this. I musnt dwell in the past, MARCH AHEAD, ALIA!!! -smiles-

-sigh- Let's not dwell on such pessimistic thoughts about things that wont benefit us.

 I've been so happy this past few days. :D :D :D

PMR year now, must focus. But all the teachers are like so funny and very friendly...

SO MUCH HOMEWORK!!!! :O

Ok, got to go, must sleep early in order not to get sick.

I miss blogging here sum how eventhough my Tumblr is kinda nicer. -bites lips-

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Monday, November 1, 2010

Battle of the bands Finale

Woots. Best night of the year. We were all like, so hyped up.

So yeah... wish I had pics. Mom took the camera with her so no pics. :(

And it was truly a great night, met old friends. Seriously, they should have this kinda things often. That would be soooooo cool. :)  

You know you love me. ;)

Friday, October 22, 2010

Watch out when guys sing this song, ladies


I would melt if some guy I like sings this for me. ;)

You know you love me. 

Missing my blog. And you guys. :)

So, yea... I tried Tumblr. And my Tumblr link is:
http://alialovesyou.tumblr.com/

Yea. Havent done much, I've been kinda busy. But yeah, I miss Blogger. The freedom to just keep writing and those long post wont bug anyone's dashboard. And anyways, I'm kinda the person who has a lot pent up, always eager to share my fair share of stories. Sounds like that can go both ways.

Let me see. My life was, is, and will remain messy but it's okay. That's what life's about I guess.

Ok. So I went to the Battle of the Bands/Dance Competition auditions. It was great... wait more than great... It Was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! -screams- Oh wait, I can barely scream anymore... too much screaming yesterday.

There was awesome dance moves, great, loud, headache-begging music. So what if I was sick during the auditions? I'm glad I went(and thanks Hee, for making me go, I'll remember it for as long as I can remember things). Worth the time, pain, nagging, and of course the money.

 Met an old friend. Observed some amusing things. Funny. Amusing. Hilarious. Ok, done. XD

I would like to say, wait, , make that yell, CONGRATS! to the finalists. Hope you guys show us more awesome moves and strokes of genius.

I really hope I can go to the Finals. I wish I have transport to go but right now, things don't look so good. A girl can only wish. 

You know you love me.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Songs of the Moment

This song was introduced to me by a person who means very much to me. :) -embarrassed- 



And all of my readers, you mean as much to me as sang in that song.

This is another song, also very nice. It's called To Love You More by Celine Dion:



Oh yes, guys. I know, I like the violinist too. He's so awesome to me. :)
Hope you guys like my choice of songs this time. <3

Alia

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Eid Mubarak- My version

Now Playing: Billie Jean- Late Michael Jackson
Emoticon:  :/
Favourite word right now:deipnosophist (a skilled person at informal chit chat, why does this sound familiar? Maybe because that’s so me.  LOL)
__________________________________________________________________________________
I could not not blog about my Eid Mubarak, more commonly known as Hari Raya Aidilfitri in my mother tongue and country. The month of celebration. How could I not blog about such a glorious event that I honestly look forward to each year?

We should start with the eve of the 1st of Syawal (month of celebration, end of the fasting period). Maybe we could also dwell a little on the fasting month, but just a little, I have tons to blog about and I don’t want all of you guys dozing( Zzzzz)halfway through the entry.

Fasting month. It’s the month where 30 days goes by with Muslims fasting from the break of dawn till sunset. We aren’t only excluding meals from our daily routines, we must also say no evil, see no evil and hear no evil. Oh! We musnt also insert anything, anything at all, into our body. Say... like no finger into your nose, no digging ear wax and ermm... other things that involve putting things into your body.... Err... if you get what I’m hinting. Lol. –wink wink-

After 30 days of fasting, the month of celebration rolls by and we, of course, celebrate. On the eve of Eid Mubarak, my family and I as usual, sleep over at my grandparents house. Nothing big. But I’ve always like the sound of Takbir Raya (sorry, no translation available! :P) To me, it’s one of the most peaceful sounds. It’s a... well, not really a chant, but... I JUST CANT DESCRIBE IT, BEATS ME WHAT YOU CALL IT. Lol. Sorry... can’t explain it... you just gotta go through it yourself.

On the morning of Eid Mubarak, we go to the annual Sembahyang Raya or Eid Mubarak prayer. It’s... well awesome, but I don’t particularly like the fact that every time, every single time I go for this prayer... someone will step on my leg during the prayer. HOW IN THE WORLD ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO PRAY TO GOD IF SOMEONE IS STOPING YOUR BLOOD CIRCULATION? XD x]

So, I just stayed around and help prepare the raw cooking materials my aunty will need later, to cook. I sliced the onions (crying as though I lost a diamond, Of Course! What else is to be expected? ) and some weird pickled lime to make dalca. Don’t ask me what in the world is dalca, I don’t eat it myself.
We of course slice open the lemangs (glutinous  rice cooked with coconut milk in a bamboo) and ate it with my mom’s rendang. Oh such taste is incredible. Yum Yum. And because some of my uncles and aunties haven’t arrive, we went to visit other families.

We went to this politician’s open house. The monkey girl at the entrance didn’t give me any duit raya. Duit raya is money given to children and unmarried or youngsters by the elders. Not a must but a tradition. That girl didn’t even glance at me. Gawd... it’s just a coupla notes. Not like she has to give me a million bucks.  Let’s move on.

Then we went to visit my auntie’s friend. From there, we sent my uncle for Friday prayer and went to visit a relative of our relative. That lady has travelled to all of Europe. God, I’m so freaking envious of her. She has even visited Luxembourg. I have always wanted to visit Luxembourg, a beautiful small country. –sighs- She is so awesome... she told me all kind of stories bout the south of France and paella, the famous Spanish delight. Ahh... such tales of her travels should be recorded and compiled into a book.

Then we went home. I ate my auntie’s Briyani rice. Which is rice cooked with Arabic spices. That night, we played fire crackers. Awesome. Annually, we have a sort of match with the neighbouring village. They will fire something loud and we will set off one of our fire crackers. It’s like... trying to say ‘yo, you’re not the only one with big, noisy fire crackers’. Boys and toys, how can you ever restrict them? J

There was this particularly loud firecracker my uncle bought. Ringgit Malaysia 10 (approx USD$3) for each. It went off ‘BOOM’ and then explode into a huge flower of multi, brilliant colours. The neighbouring village must have been deafen by that. Lol.

The second day of Eid kicked off with the last uncle we expected to come, and we all gathered in front of my grandparents’ porch and asking from forgiveness from every uncle, auntie, relatives, cousins. Lots of duit raya this year. Much more than last year. Twice as much as last year.

I will not say how much actually. Just enough to buy myself that new novel I’ve been eyeing, a new pair of earphones(hopefully soundproofed) and save some for some upcoming occasion. Lol. Perhaps I can even squeeze in a guitar capo. I wont be able to afford a guitar tuner though. Maybe that can be my birthday prezzie.

Hey, my birthday is coming, peeps! –thinks- If you guys are ever scratching your head in what to give me (wishful thinking on positivity always help ;]) you guys can always just sent a money transfer. –wink wink- Lol. Keep the dream alive, eh? But I think I will ask for a guitar tuner and capo for my birthday. Now, don’t I wish someone would get me an electric guitar for my birthday? Haha. It’s a private joke. Sorry if you’re not in the loop. Mail me about your Eid Mubarak experience if you want at blurwonderwoman@gmail.com. Hearts and kisses.

All yours smiling like a Cheshire Cat,
Alia.




Monday, September 6, 2010

Happy Eid Mubarak

I'm not gonna come online for a long time I guess. Maybe a week or so. So see yah. Celebrate well and dont get hurt. Take care.

Love,
Alia

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Songs of the moment





Shut the Mixpod first. Then play these videos. If not your speaker will hate you. XD

Alia

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Unspoken

I'm sorry I had to post this. I know I'd never have the guts to say this to you face to face.
__________________________________________________________________________________


To: Whom it may concern.
From: The person who loved you.
Re: Till we meet again.

You said you trusted me because I’d never lie to you. But now, it seems so long ago and all we said and all we shared seem to cross the boundary of thin truth into the territory of white lies.
You knew I loved you, yet you could still do this to me. But why? Where was I mistaken? Was it when I lost my temper...when my anger flared in response to what your anger should have been?
I know that if you were to read this, you wouldn’t understand, you won’t ever understand why I did it in the first place, but believe me, it was unstoppable. It was bound to happen.
You taught me that if I had something to say, I should just say it, instead of keeping it to myself. But how would it ever be possible to me to ever tell you how much I cared? How much I wanted it to last forever and that there would never be an end?
Now... all that’s left are the past memories. That is if you bothered to cherish them. Something tells me inside, I’m the only one between us doing it, because probably, I’m the only one who cared to do it. I don’t know if all this is true but it seems that way, with me and you.
You taught me the value of truth, trust and love. You showed me that sometimes... it doesn’t matter if you love someone...you just got to let it go and see how it goes. You taught me that even if your feelings towards that person aren’t mutual, the love is still irrevocable love.
Over the time, I learned but I doubted. There were times; your actions seem to convince me that you cared, no matter how little. Someone told me over and over again that anyone could and would have done the same, but coming from you, those tiny actions were huge holes on the cloak you wore around me, almost making me believe that you cared though you acted otherwise.
I was there for you when you needed me and I thought you did the same for me. You were always the wiser one, the one to tell me that everything I’m going through right now, is all normal. You were there when my life was messed up and I needed someone, not any someone, when I need you of all people to tell me that everything will be fine.
Now? I don’t have that someone anymore. I don’t have you, to lean on when I needed to. To pour my heart out knowing you’d never judge me the way others did. True enough, I had others. Others I could lean on, others I could cry my heart out to, but no one could be a replacement of you.
In this world, there aren’t many whose life I could just jump into like I did with yours and yet not be pushed away like so many did to me. No one have accepted me and not judged me like you did. No one was that tolerant of my annoying behaviour.
 I don’t know for sure whether at any point, you have hated me but I’d like to think that there were times you wished I wasn’t around but you could still bear with me, because that’s just who you are.
I’d just like to state whatever I love in you and not state things about you that I loved all the same but I would rather have them changed. Because when you love someone, you love all the positive things about that person and all the negative things too.
I had loved and I had hurt because of you. But I try my very best to put it all behind. Why remember the awful parts when you can just immortalise the good things in your memories?
Even now, whenever I notice you avoiding me or hiding away from me when you see me, I’d rather pretend not noticing it all because I take it that whatever you’re doing is for the best and all you’re doing has a good reason. Like you said and projected through your offending actions, it’s for the best.
I wish I know what to do right now, but believe me, I do try my best. Try my best to conceal and mask the pain even when there are those sharp people who see through my pain. I cannot bid a goodbye for I’d always wish for a reunion and forgiveness.
So, I guess, I’d just say... “Till we meet again”.

                                                                                                         Forever in debt and loving you,
                                                                                                              The person who loves you.

P.S: I know I never actually sent this to you, but if you happen to read it, please just spare a second in 86400 seconds on the day you read this, to think of me, how I felt and how much you actually care. Thank you.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Before I sign off, I'd like to say: "Estas en mi coraz√≥n". 
It means: You are my heart. 

Alia






I'm sorry

I'm sorry. 
I'm sorry I'm such a fruit cake.
 I'm sorry that I'm not perfect. 
I'm sorry that I'm not as good as she is.
 I'm sorry I'm not as pretty as she is. 
I'm sorry I'm not a better person. 
I'm sorry I screwed up. 
I'm sorry that I cry so easily. 
I'm sorry I dont know which one of you I'm apologizing to. 
I'm sorry I cant comfort you like she can.
 I'm sorry for everything I have done and everything I had to do because I thought it would be best for you.
 I'm truly, truly sorry.
 But this is me. And I can try and try and try but some things, I cant just change. 

Tell me the words to say. Tell me the things to do. For I don't know. I truly dont. But I wish I do.
I dont want to push you so hard. I'd rather push myself. 
That's because I care. I totally do. 

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Formation? more like torture... >_>

So yea... St George's Girls School is 125 years old... Yipeee!
The best part was that we had to take a picture of all of us forming the words 125 SGGS
Hmm.... and my friends were endlessly talking... but I couldnt understand a word of it of course...
Them talking in their mother tongue... >___>

The formation thing was tiring and is a HUGE NONO on fasting days....
The sun was not too bad... though a little uncomfortable and moving forward and backward to get the best formation shape was kinda... tiring...

Hmm, sadly... I dont think I'll be online for a few days... Esp on the public holiday Nuzul al-Quran.
I realized that I havent been blogging bout the fasting month... the thing is... fasting is not hard...
Not eating during the day is not that hard but not swearing is hard I tell you...
Esp when you have just a nasty day and the Ffff is just rolling on the tip of your tongue... LOL

Ok... gtg...

In case I didnt come online after this... I just wanna say a BIG happy birthday to -clears throat- someone... Happy Bday, and dont worry If i dont come online... I'll still give you ONE of your bday present... I insist. XD Just dont... get angry kay? C:

C: <3333333,
Alia

PS: Bryan is suppppaaaaaa-dupppaaaaa awesome (he didnt actually put a gun on my head to say that... I just did! Something's wrong with me... XD JK)

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Judgemental!

Ok, i admit... it was my fault. Wanna noe wat i did?

I forgot to pack extra clothes when we went home to my other house.
Then we wanted to go to the mall, and I didnt have anything nice to wear... more like anything that wont make me look like a social pariah. So anyways...

I put on these bermuda pants (I LOVE em ;) ) and this over sized shirt. Believe me, no one looks stupider than me. Not even Cinderella would look flattering in them. ZZZZZ

And we went to a restaurant, to break fast(not breakfast... its to break the fasting period) =.= ... and the waiter didnt really even want to look at us, he was judging us just coz I wore clothes like tht...

Omigod! IKR? Then, as we were eating, I pranked the waiter... XD Funneyh!

Lesson learned:

  1. DONT JUDGE MEH!
  2. dont EVER wear clothes like I mentioned. =.=
LOL. <3333

Alia

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Crap!

Bryan keeps bugging me bout devoting a post or a blog just devoted to him! OMG, IKR... he's deluded!
So yea... Bryan... YOU'RE AWESOME. Now STOP BUGGING ME! 

LOL. Im just kidding, Bryan.

Ok, done with that... Anyways, I was hoping that two certain people would read what I'm about to blog.

"Isn't what I've done for you enough? Enough for you to acknowledge the fact that I'm

  1. A human being with a heart
  2. Not invisible and I'm also solid.
  3. Not a dumb blonde
You treat me or more like ignore my existence as though I'm a wooden doll... What the crap? What we shared last time might not be something you want to remember or treasure. All those smiles and laughter. All the fun. But still, we had our time, our chance and for that we have to be thankful and even if it didnt work out, or it will NEVER work out... The least you could do was to be kind to me when I make an effort to do so with you.

Please. This is all I ask for. And all that I can ask for.

Alia

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Unexpected Outing! Oh yay!

My dad drove us to pick ma mummy dearest up. Then we went to eat... just at a roadside stall. Nothing to blog on gastronomical interest there. Hehe.

We dumped , sorry I mean drove my sister to tuition. Then afta we left her, I was supposed to go to piano class but I fell asleep (I actually slumped my head tht's all)  then when I woke up, we're in the basement of QB mall parking space.

Hmm, we went shopping. It was sooo freezin cold. Between us, I'll have to admit tht I dont do good with the cold indoors. Then I saw tht they were selling so many imported stuff for half price. Bcoz it's near the expiry date! But who cares right? They wont live past the expiry date with me and my voracious tummy. Hehehe.

I saw cans and cans on Dr Pepper. Then I realized (take note Mr Cocky and Smug! No offense with the name, bro! And yes, your super uber awesome! XD) I never tasted Dr Pepper before. Hmmm... Or seen the cans before. I wonder how they taste like... (lame rite? XD )


Epic Fail!


We shopped till we drop and to keep the story short, we also stuffed our tummies with goodies. My mum wanted to eat cake so we went to Secret Recipe and I was blinded by the choice of cakes there. I love cakes. So we ordered. 


Gastronomical interest note here: Order the Strawberry Marsh mellow Cheese Cake. Heavenly divine piece of cake it is. Owh so delectable. Beats and trumps my mom's cake of choice. Oh yeh!


As we were dining, my dad told me he saw the world tallest guy. Imagine... in Queensbay Mall! No kid rite?
He's damn tall man... Poor guy, he must have stoop a lot of times in low ceiling places.

Gtg. Mom's nagging. Oh yea, to my Muslim cousins, Happy Ramadhan. <3

Alia

Friday, August 6, 2010

The End is only the Beginning

Ok, I feel the urge to update u guys with my unfab but drama-filled life... 
Hmm, first of all, I feel like expressing my views on an end thats happening without me being able to stop anything because there's nothing I can do bout it. I hate to admit this but:
I GIVE UP ON SAVING OUR HALF DECADE FRENSHIP

Ok, done! Haha. Let's move on... Where to you may ask... (I'm crapping here but just bear with me!)
Oh rite, my exam marks. I think you guys are more updated bout my marks than anyone elses are:
So far... Some A's, 2 B's and 1 C. C for Maths, of course. 

I know, I know... I wanna blog bout something else too... I realized that the person I never knew last year has end up being the person who kinda understands me. Oh well, anything can happen, I guess. Now that she's my friend, u try anything funny with her, and Imma JUST chop off your brainless head and mix it up and make a blended drink.  

I forgot to add something here. Ladies out there, there are NO! Mr Perfect out there. After this lame arsehole tried to make me fell inferior to him and his ego, I just wanna advise you all to stop deluding, ooops, I mean thinking that there's a Mr Perfect out there. Believe me, Cinderella and Snow White were all stoned when they were interviewed by those storytellers... (It could also be tht the Price Charming(s) stoned them so the truth never comes out! ;))

Now we must say our goodbyes and part from here for this post has come to an end. Ok, people. I larrrve and ah-dore you guys but I gotta ciao. 

Alia
PS: Sorry bout the bimbo-ish ending. Couldnt resist. Keep that smile up and be happy! 

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Update!

I'm so sorry for neglecting my blog. I've been trying to... reconcile with my inner self, u cn say... XP
And somehow Twitter got more interesting after Fly.fm played the song request I asked for on Twitter. Yeehaw!
Ok... back to business. This blog... well u cn say tht it has been the place i vent off my anger, pent up frustration and also the place I post all those sickening(i bet you guys are puking rite now JK) lovey dovey stuff.

Nah... I loved what I wrote. Eventho I messed up... -smiles-

So I dont think I wanna erase most of my posts just because it didnt seem rite tht they're still there. Those are not mockery, those are past memories. I'd be willing to go thru pain if I can relive those memories... Oh well, there's nothing I could do but wait for you.

I'd wait and I wait even though it sounds pathetic.

-Smiles-

Alia

Cheer up, ma readers(do I even have any?) 


I love you all! <3

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Leave and let go? Yea rite!

I'm not going to pretend I know how you feel. For I don't think I do. But believe me, I'm trying. Trying so very hard to please you. Yet, my attempts are fruitless and not appreciated.

I'd do almost anything to see you smile again... But you're swatting me away.

Take it easy. But dont take anything. Anything. And that includes me. For granted.

I'm human too. I have feelings like you do. I hurt just like you. And I take time to heal all the same. So why are you treating me like a punch bag you can let ALL of your anger, your pent up emotions on me?

Just... be wary... U'll hurt a lot of people who loves you... If you go on like this.

Alia

Monday, June 28, 2010

Hurt

Seriously, wat else does that ****h have to do to get to me? Like post something to hurt me in the wee hours just because i'd definitely see it? Yo loser, that's lame!

I was hurt when i read it... but needless to say, I dont want to blame you for it. Even when you do have a fair share of the blame, in my opinion.

But im blogging not to blabber about hurt, for hurt I shall face alone. 


I just need to clarify something. My entire universe and being revolves around you, but that doesnt mean everything is about you! (-_-!!)

Like when I asked the Professor (today) that question... It wasnt supposed to have anything to do with you.
I asked because I needed to know.

So that's all. Yeah. Take care, my dear readers.

Love you,
Alia

Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Way

I love the way you hold my guitar,
And how you not just make it look like a cheap piece of instrument,
But how you transform it,
Into a real beauty.

All this time I held my guitar,
I nvr held it the way you did.
To say I've been able to manipulate the instrument the way you did... is a sin.

Girl, dont be nervous,
Dont be worried,
Unlike me,
You are always prepared, always cool...

Tomorrow may be a good thing,
Or a bad one,
It all depends on how you handle it,
And believe me,

You'd be fine...

I know you'd be. If anything goes wrong, you'd know where to find me...
Next to you, ready to catch you, if you slip or fall...

Alia

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Goodbyes- A poem- For you, for us, for what we are now...


Time passes by,
With no words of reply,

I guess we've said our goodbyes,
Without remembering our whys,

Time has washed away the blues,
Leaving us with no clues,

Flying we are pointlessly,
As we ponder aimlessly,

Music playing wondrously,
Not with us smiling with glee,

Gone are the times we smile,
When we see each other no more than a mile,

Standing we are here,
Not to shed a tear,

Losing each other we are aware of,
Yet at each other we scoff,

Silently we regret and wish,
To stop the hatred we've unleashed,

But agony leaves us no cure,
For the friendship is no more pure,

We are now two different entities,
Too much of a quantity,

We want all this to end,
But on the other we depend,

This will get us nowhere,
That's why we should have been aware,

Of the potent of our anger,
Now all that's left to do is linger,

To hope the other's ego is not larger,
To apologize without the face of a gravedigger,

We ask ourselves for a reason,
Why we made ego the poison,

To each other we have offend,
Let us hope this isn't the end.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

This might help me express what I cant put as words. Please. Thanks. I'm sorry. I screwed up. But I want to make it how it used to be. Or maybe, make it better. :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VascyLfpNrI&feature=related (Video for it) 


Sorry-Buckcherry.
Oh I had a lot to say, was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren't the same
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry, it makes me want to die

I'm sorry, I'm bad, I'm sorry, I'm blue
I'm sorry about all things I said to you
And I know, I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby, the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry

This time I think, I'm to blame
It's harder to get through the days
You get older and blame turns to shame
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry, it makes me want to die

I'm sorry, I'm bad, I'm sorry, I'm blue
I'm sorry about all things I said to you
And I know, I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby, the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry

Every single day, I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried
It's never too late to make it right
Oh yeah, sorry

I'm sorry, I'm bad, I'm sorry, I'm blue
I'm sorry about all things I said to you
And I know, I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby, the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry

I'm sorry, baby
I'm sorry, baby
I'm sorry

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

How much I miss blogging.

Yes. I havent blogged for some time. If you dont count yesterday's post. Hehe. Yesterday's post raised some good questions. :) That's... fine. I guess. People. If you baca (read) my blog (rarely anyone does. XD) then you boleh la (can) comment as you like. But if you dont like what I post, then dont read. Simple. Kay?

I'm posting because I'm pissed. But to be honest, it's not good to blog when you're pissed. U post stoooooooopppiiiid stuf.... then people read. Lol. Like i care. But I care bcause it will not do good. Much. Lol.

I had an awesome morning. I was woken up on time by a lovely bird chirping. Means I received a text. Makes me happy to wake up in such a way.

Please. Feel free to wake me up at any hour of the day. For you, it's fine. For anyone else, they're gonna have their head bitten off. Simple.

I like this micro blogging thingy but Twitter's words limit kill's my creative juices. So. Yeah. :)

It's holidays. I'm bored. So I'll keep posting and spamming my own blog (lame, I noe) with the minutest details. Love you all.

Hearts,
Aria

Smile

Smile
I was just lying on my bed, trying to figure out the song I’d play next ... The song playing in my ancient music player was ‘She Will Be Loved’ by Maroon 5. The song came to the part where ‘...with a broken smile...’ I stood up, just realizing how stupid I am.
                It hit me suddenly that you often smile a ‘broken’ smile. Your smile is sweet but you smile bitterly.  It’s not hard to read distress and hurt on your face but there are times I wish I needn’t figure out the reason for your frowns.
                Your smile. That’s the secret to brightening my day. I recall telling you that ‘Your smile determines the brightness of the sky I walk beneath’. When I finished saying that sheepishly, you laughed at me.
                As my mind plays a slideshow on the various looks of yours I have seen in the whole time I’ve known you, I realized that you smile differently for different reasons. You smile crooked when you’re pleased with something. You smile sheepishly when you’re embarrassed. You smile sweetly when you’re in love.
                But what hurts me the most is the way you smile when you’re keeping the pain to yourself. You’d smile bitterly. You’d have this wary, weary and uninterested expression when you’re thinking of something else but you’re trying your best to be polite and listen to the conversation.
                The truth is you are a special person in my life. And I try my hardest to notice everything about you. There are times I just feel like shouting ‘what are you thinking of?’ when I see you drifting away in your own world far away.
                I love you very much. I love everything about you, not only your smile. But when you smile, you make me smile. J -smiles-

Yours,
Alia
PS: Shall listen to ‘Smile-Uncle Kraker’ soon.
                

Monday, May 3, 2010

Tired...Oh so Tired!

I'm so tired. I'm like so sleep deprived by now that I think I left myself in my house with my body left on the sofa with the eyes bloodshot. Jeez, I'm kidding. 
I'm tired of course. I slept with my eyes open in tuition yesterday... Yes, sleeping wif ur eyes open is POSSIBLE!
Lol, sleep is like a luxury. I can't get my hands on that luxury. GTG... 

Love,
Alia

Friday, January 15, 2010

Thank You!

Thank you! You were always there for me when I needed you and despite what I did to you.
Thank you for trying your hardest in things that seemed petty like answering my questions
Thank you for existing. Your existence made the world a much more colorful place.
Thank you for being the first to actually acknowledge the fact that I'm not invisible nor am I invincible.
Thank you for pestering me to tell you things I dont want to coz that's how I loosen up my tension
Most of all, thank you to God for creating you and meeting me with you!
I love you and you know it!

Even though it seems like you're avoiding me, I know the reasons and I understand! :) ;) :D

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year

I know I dont use my blog to 'blog', Ok.... I use it to 'blog' but not about my life. I blog bout stories and poems....  :) Anyway, I just wanna wish everyone a happy new year. Every year, we dont grow older, we grow more knowledgeable and experienced. I hope 2010 will be an awesome year for me and you guys. Have fun and never let golden (or silver or bronze!) opportunities pass. Grab them and make a run for the line so no one can take them away from their righful owner, yes you!

Waiting for you

I have been waiting for you,
For so long,
I've been patient,
I'm still patient but,
I'm wondering when you will appear in front of my eyes,
Rather magically,
I want to see you,
I want to talk to you,
I want to see your smile once again,
Like the shining sun,
Your smile makes me happier than anything can,
That's why I'm willing,
To wait for you,
And here I shall be,
Waiting for you...  :)


To the owner of the picture, I hope you dont mind me using you pic! It's very nice....

Friday, December 25, 2009

New Story - Through loving, we are loved.

Through loving, we are loved.

I looked into those admiring dark eyes. The colour of the darkest pearl never failed to mesmerise and enchant me. They made me wonder whether the rest of the universe could ever be more beautiful than her eyes each time I look into them.

I reached for a strand of her beautiful black hair which had came out of her messy ponytail. Tucking her hair behind her ears made me feel very happy for some unknown reason. It made me very content and excited.

I sighed. Why must she be everything that is right for me and yet, she’s all wrong for me at the same time? Is loving her a test? How do I pass this test? By loving her with more love than the world could ever hold or loving her in secret for the fear of hurting her with my feelings?

She smiled at me. The setting sun shines its last rays in the park we were in. Is it the same for me? Should I stop loving her like the setting sun and let some guy make her happy? I know that, like the setting sun, I’ll love her again after that. Just like a rising sun again. I sighed.

Looking into her beautiful heart shape face, I know I’ve found everything there is to be found in my life. Her face holds more beauty than anything the world can offer me. I am in love with her and nothing else matters but that truth.

I don’t know if she feels the same way for me. I can not make her love me. Love is free will. She’s free to love anyone. I’m not going to make her choose me just because she doesn’t want me hurt.

I don’t want her to feel like she’s being a hypocrite by lying to me. I’d rather be in pain than letting her be in pain. Any pain inflicted upon her will kill me. My hand which she held in hers twitched. My hand wanted to take hers and press them to the place where my heart beats.

I want to let her hands rest there and tell her that my heart is all her for the taking. But I can’t. I can never do that because that will be selfish. We have been sitting on this bench, not moving for almost an hour.

The sun has set and it’s twilight. I knew instinctively, that this is the time to tell her. I looked into her eyes again, and I was tongue-tied. How can I ever tell her I love her when each time I look into her eyes, I’m speechless at the beauty of them?

I shook my head and whispered into her ears for fear of being tongue-tied should I look into her eyes. I whispered so softly that I could barely hear it, “I love you”. She shook her head and giggled.

I felt a pang in my chest. She’s laughing at me. She looked into my tortured expression and said, “I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing because it took you the whole day just to whisper those three words”.

They both of us laughed harmoniously together. She tugged my chin asking me to look into her eyes again. I stopped laughing and I looked into her eyes, trying to make my thoughts coherent. “I love you too but it’s not enough to make us more than friends”, she whispered.

I waited for the pain that ought to be searing through me but no pain came. I realised that her words made me feel happy. Not as jubilant as I would have been should she told me she loved me as much as I love her, but content enough not to feel the pain.

I know she will never love me enough to change the fact that we will only remain as friends but I think that’s enough for me. Being friends with her will be enough for me for the rest of eternity. I know that.