The Big, Black and Frightening Future

Tomorrow, 24th of September 2012, marks one week of us not talking to each other. One week of me tossing and turning, wondering where did it all go wrong. One week of endless pain knifing through my insides when I look at you, when I see you laughing without me. 

I question myself, why does God have such a twisted sense of humour. He makes me happy and gave me someone I cared for with all my heart, then He takes you away from my life. Again. Is it really my fault or was this His plans even from the beginning? I asked so many questions and so many of them remain yet unanswered. What is clear though, is that I miss you. 

I miss the glint in your eyes, just for a brief moment before you break into a burst of laughter because something amused you. I miss that look you give me when something bugs you. I miss the way we never have to say a word sometimes because we know each other. That familiarity.. It doesn't come so easily in life. The kind of friendship we had doesn't just fall from the sky. 

It's funny. I've always told myself that even if we were to stop being friends, it would be because we fell out. And I've always had dark thoughts that our friendship would end with the ending to our school life. Never, never ever in my wildest, darkest thoughts, would I have ever imagined losing our friendship.. Losing you to something so.. silly and immature. 

Whatever and whoever caused this, I want to put it all aside. I don't want to dwell on what broke us apart. I want to remember you as you were before all this mess. I want to remember the last time I walked you home and you hugged me tight for one brief moment, before letting me go and walking in the opposite direction. I want to remember you just in that perfect moment. 

Funny how I've always taken you for granted. I didn't buy you a birthday gift. Even though you denied it, I know you wished I did. I could see it in your eyes when I deliberated what to get for another friend of mine I saw it and yet I ignored it. I wanted to, I was so close to. I kept thinking of what you jokingly asked for. I'm sorry. I never knew I'd lose you so soon. 

I don't why you have changed. A lot. It's like I don't even know you anymore. The one I knew was a beautiful girl, so different from me, yet so similar. That perfectionist who nagged me when I don't take care of myself and who will ignore my warning not to eat keropok lekor just because you craved for them, then complain of your rashes because you ate them. 

I miss that sister from another faith of mine that protected me so fiercely from those who would hurt me. That sister who loved me and would do anything to make me happy. The one that I called when I needed someone to cry to. And the one that nearly cried with me while I grieved the pain of losing him. That sister of mine. She's the one I miss so much right now. 

This post isn't about what happened, nor is it about that person who started all this. This post is about you. And how I miss you. How I will always miss you and will always love you. Even though I know I may not deserve to love you. I realize I haven't been the best of friends. I don't know what's happening right now. But I do know one thing: I love you. Even with all this miss around us. 

So.. If you're reading this.. It's okay if you don't want to be my best friend again, just forgive me. Please? Take care, and please know that I'll always be there for you. Even at times when I seem not to care. I miss you, pig. I really do. 

A

My New Short Story

WHAM! Sally slammed the door behind her, leaving the bleeding part of her heart on the other side of the door. Something shiny caught her eye. A penknife. Probably left by her mom while she raced on her deadline to finish her artwork. It has always been about that, her art, her work, her life, her events. Sally wanted to scream her frustration. But rather than scream on the outside, she’d rather do it on the inside. Inside, where she can finally be alone, with her fears and worries.

            The knife glinted in her sight. It caught the sunlight at such an angle that it shone brilliantly. Sally picked it up, running her fingers on the blade, testing its sharpness. She gasped as a bead of red, warm blood prickled where the knife left a trail. It trailed down, following the knife on a deadly race as it splattered onto the white fur carpet of her room. 

            Maybe she needed to be like that trail of blood, moving forward even if what made you left was painful and you wanted to stay so badly. The knife may hurt and cut all that you have known open, but in the end, you just got to move on.

            Giggles. Giggles everywhere. Loud shrieks, promising happiness and youthful innocence surrounded her. She used to be like them, these girls who laughed loudly and shrieked while their friends chased them. Now all she can do is smirk. Smirk, not because there’s any bit of amusement in her heart. Rather, it’s because she will never be like them. She will never fit in with these girls.

            They called her many names. Freak, Weirdo, all those hurtful things people use to label others who are different. And different Sally was. She wasn’t athletic, musical, beautiful or even smart. She was just different from people of her age. At sixteen, she’d rather spend her day reading on articles about revolutions and such than hanging out with her peer. She spent her free time delving into historical facts and religious articles.

            Today was no different. Today, it was Jainism. It intrigued her deeply. Jainism stresses on compassion for all life, human or non-human. She liked that. The concept where everything should be treated nicely for they are all souls, even if they are different. It’s funny how children seem to practice what Jainism preach subconsciously. How did it all change? She remembered what it was like to be a child, where clothes didn’t matter, money was just pieces of paper adults use in stores and ice-cream could solve every conflict between two friends.

            She sat at the edge of the cafeteria, watching the others having the time of their lives. A tiny part of her yearns to join their girlish games. She squashed that part down, far away from the surface of her heart. She couldn’t join them anyway, even if she managed to convince herself to try. She mused on what their reaction might be should The Freak tried to join them. That got her filled with dark laughter.

            A head turned into her direction as her laughter broke loose . She found Elizabeth looking at her, and just for one split second Sally thought she saw a questioning look. “What’s so funny?” Elizabeth seemed to ask through her squinting eyes. Then Elizabeth’s new friend dragged her away before their eye contact could last for any longer than that one brief moment. Not that Sally minded anymore.

            Elizabeth used to be her best friend. Elizabeth is also the reason she stopped believing in such nonsense. There are no such things as best friends, just people who you can rely on. People who are important to you. Actions speak louder than mere words such as best friends. People change, best friends turn into people who laugh behind your back. Eventually, you’re all alone again. That’s life. The saddest yet most relieving thing about life is that it moves on.

            Sometimes, you just need the closure. You need to let it go. Let it drown with your tears of sorrow. A wise man once said, “Tears clean the windows of your soul” and Sally knew there’s some truth behind those words. She would know, for she had cried a lot. She, who felt the pain of so many people leaving her when they’ve promised a lifetime together.

            It was not only Elizabeth, there was also her brother. Her brother, Ryan. Her brother who used to be so loving and who doted upon her. She loved him with all her heart and she thought he loved her just as much. But then again, remember, people change. So he did one day, he left her all alone. At first she bleed, and cried upon his departure. But in time, she learnt an important lesson. Never to trust anyone. Not even those who once made you smile and laugh.

            Sally felt that she is full of scars. Not from battle wounds, but rather from painful memories she fought off as they threaten to unnerve her away from her path of solidarity. Yes, she was alone. She still gets scared sometimes. Scared of the big, black, undetermined future ahead, knowing that she’s on her path alone. However alone she may be, she knows that she’s better off this way. Better to be alone for your entire life than be with the wrong people even just for a second.

            And so, Sally walked away from the cafeteria. That was not all she walked away from. She walked away from what was once part of her life. There, at the edge of the cafeteria, she left the memories of Ryan and Elizabeth. She embraced the loneliness and she walked on.

The End