Tomorrow, 24th of September 2012, marks one week of us not talking to each other. One week of me tossing and turning, wondering where did it all go wrong. One week of endless pain knifing through my insides when I look at you, when I see you laughing without me.
I question myself, why does God have such a twisted sense of humour. He makes me happy and gave me someone I cared for with all my heart, then He takes you away from my life. Again. Is it really my fault or was this His plans even from the beginning? I asked so many questions and so many of them remain yet unanswered. What is clear though, is that I miss you.
I miss the glint in your eyes, just for a brief moment before you break into a burst of laughter because something amused you. I miss that look you give me when something bugs you. I miss the way we never have to say a word sometimes because we know each other. That familiarity.. It doesn't come so easily in life. The kind of friendship we had doesn't just fall from the sky.
It's funny. I've always told myself that even if we were to stop being friends, it would be because we fell out. And I've always had dark thoughts that our friendship would end with the ending to our school life. Never, never ever in my wildest, darkest thoughts, would I have ever imagined losing our friendship.. Losing you to something so.. silly and immature.
Whatever and whoever caused this, I want to put it all aside. I don't want to dwell on what broke us apart. I want to remember you as you were before all this mess. I want to remember the last time I walked you home and you hugged me tight for one brief moment, before letting me go and walking in the opposite direction. I want to remember you just in that perfect moment.
Funny how I've always taken you for granted. I didn't buy you a birthday gift. Even though you denied it, I know you wished I did. I could see it in your eyes when I deliberated what to get for another friend of mine I saw it and yet I ignored it. I wanted to, I was so close to. I kept thinking of what you jokingly asked for. I'm sorry. I never knew I'd lose you so soon.
I don't why you have changed. A lot. It's like I don't even know you anymore. The one I knew was a beautiful girl, so different from me, yet so similar. That perfectionist who nagged me when I don't take care of myself and who will ignore my warning not to eat keropok lekor just because you craved for them, then complain of your rashes because you ate them.
I miss that sister from another faith of mine that protected me so fiercely from those who would hurt me. That sister who loved me and would do anything to make me happy. The one that I called when I needed someone to cry to. And the one that nearly cried with me while I grieved the pain of losing him. That sister of mine. She's the one I miss so much right now.
This post isn't about what happened, nor is it about that person who started all this. This post is about you. And how I miss you. How I will always miss you and will always love you. Even though I know I may not deserve to love you. I realize I haven't been the best of friends. I don't know what's happening right now. But I do know one thing: I love you. Even with all this miss around us.
So.. If you're reading this.. It's okay if you don't want to be my best friend again, just forgive me. Please? Take care, and please know that I'll always be there for you. Even at times when I seem not to care. I miss you, pig. I really do.
A
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