The Big, Black and Frightening Future

Tomorrow, 24th of September 2012, marks one week of us not talking to each other. One week of me tossing and turning, wondering where did it all go wrong. One week of endless pain knifing through my insides when I look at you, when I see you laughing without me. 

I question myself, why does God have such a twisted sense of humour. He makes me happy and gave me someone I cared for with all my heart, then He takes you away from my life. Again. Is it really my fault or was this His plans even from the beginning? I asked so many questions and so many of them remain yet unanswered. What is clear though, is that I miss you. 

I miss the glint in your eyes, just for a brief moment before you break into a burst of laughter because something amused you. I miss that look you give me when something bugs you. I miss the way we never have to say a word sometimes because we know each other. That familiarity.. It doesn't come so easily in life. The kind of friendship we had doesn't just fall from the sky. 

It's funny. I've always told myself that even if we were to stop being friends, it would be because we fell out. And I've always had dark thoughts that our friendship would end with the ending to our school life. Never, never ever in my wildest, darkest thoughts, would I have ever imagined losing our friendship.. Losing you to something so.. silly and immature. 

Whatever and whoever caused this, I want to put it all aside. I don't want to dwell on what broke us apart. I want to remember you as you were before all this mess. I want to remember the last time I walked you home and you hugged me tight for one brief moment, before letting me go and walking in the opposite direction. I want to remember you just in that perfect moment. 

Funny how I've always taken you for granted. I didn't buy you a birthday gift. Even though you denied it, I know you wished I did. I could see it in your eyes when I deliberated what to get for another friend of mine I saw it and yet I ignored it. I wanted to, I was so close to. I kept thinking of what you jokingly asked for. I'm sorry. I never knew I'd lose you so soon. 

I don't why you have changed. A lot. It's like I don't even know you anymore. The one I knew was a beautiful girl, so different from me, yet so similar. That perfectionist who nagged me when I don't take care of myself and who will ignore my warning not to eat keropok lekor just because you craved for them, then complain of your rashes because you ate them. 

I miss that sister from another faith of mine that protected me so fiercely from those who would hurt me. That sister who loved me and would do anything to make me happy. The one that I called when I needed someone to cry to. And the one that nearly cried with me while I grieved the pain of losing him. That sister of mine. She's the one I miss so much right now. 

This post isn't about what happened, nor is it about that person who started all this. This post is about you. And how I miss you. How I will always miss you and will always love you. Even though I know I may not deserve to love you. I realize I haven't been the best of friends. I don't know what's happening right now. But I do know one thing: I love you. Even with all this miss around us. 

So.. If you're reading this.. It's okay if you don't want to be my best friend again, just forgive me. Please? Take care, and please know that I'll always be there for you. Even at times when I seem not to care. I miss you, pig. I really do. 

A

My New Short Story

WHAM! Sally slammed the door behind her, leaving the bleeding part of her heart on the other side of the door. Something shiny caught her eye. A penknife. Probably left by her mom while she raced on her deadline to finish her artwork. It has always been about that, her art, her work, her life, her events. Sally wanted to scream her frustration. But rather than scream on the outside, she’d rather do it on the inside. Inside, where she can finally be alone, with her fears and worries.

            The knife glinted in her sight. It caught the sunlight at such an angle that it shone brilliantly. Sally picked it up, running her fingers on the blade, testing its sharpness. She gasped as a bead of red, warm blood prickled where the knife left a trail. It trailed down, following the knife on a deadly race as it splattered onto the white fur carpet of her room. 

            Maybe she needed to be like that trail of blood, moving forward even if what made you left was painful and you wanted to stay so badly. The knife may hurt and cut all that you have known open, but in the end, you just got to move on.

            Giggles. Giggles everywhere. Loud shrieks, promising happiness and youthful innocence surrounded her. She used to be like them, these girls who laughed loudly and shrieked while their friends chased them. Now all she can do is smirk. Smirk, not because there’s any bit of amusement in her heart. Rather, it’s because she will never be like them. She will never fit in with these girls.

            They called her many names. Freak, Weirdo, all those hurtful things people use to label others who are different. And different Sally was. She wasn’t athletic, musical, beautiful or even smart. She was just different from people of her age. At sixteen, she’d rather spend her day reading on articles about revolutions and such than hanging out with her peer. She spent her free time delving into historical facts and religious articles.

            Today was no different. Today, it was Jainism. It intrigued her deeply. Jainism stresses on compassion for all life, human or non-human. She liked that. The concept where everything should be treated nicely for they are all souls, even if they are different. It’s funny how children seem to practice what Jainism preach subconsciously. How did it all change? She remembered what it was like to be a child, where clothes didn’t matter, money was just pieces of paper adults use in stores and ice-cream could solve every conflict between two friends.

            She sat at the edge of the cafeteria, watching the others having the time of their lives. A tiny part of her yearns to join their girlish games. She squashed that part down, far away from the surface of her heart. She couldn’t join them anyway, even if she managed to convince herself to try. She mused on what their reaction might be should The Freak tried to join them. That got her filled with dark laughter.

            A head turned into her direction as her laughter broke loose . She found Elizabeth looking at her, and just for one split second Sally thought she saw a questioning look. “What’s so funny?” Elizabeth seemed to ask through her squinting eyes. Then Elizabeth’s new friend dragged her away before their eye contact could last for any longer than that one brief moment. Not that Sally minded anymore.

            Elizabeth used to be her best friend. Elizabeth is also the reason she stopped believing in such nonsense. There are no such things as best friends, just people who you can rely on. People who are important to you. Actions speak louder than mere words such as best friends. People change, best friends turn into people who laugh behind your back. Eventually, you’re all alone again. That’s life. The saddest yet most relieving thing about life is that it moves on.

            Sometimes, you just need the closure. You need to let it go. Let it drown with your tears of sorrow. A wise man once said, “Tears clean the windows of your soul” and Sally knew there’s some truth behind those words. She would know, for she had cried a lot. She, who felt the pain of so many people leaving her when they’ve promised a lifetime together.

            It was not only Elizabeth, there was also her brother. Her brother, Ryan. Her brother who used to be so loving and who doted upon her. She loved him with all her heart and she thought he loved her just as much. But then again, remember, people change. So he did one day, he left her all alone. At first she bleed, and cried upon his departure. But in time, she learnt an important lesson. Never to trust anyone. Not even those who once made you smile and laugh.

            Sally felt that she is full of scars. Not from battle wounds, but rather from painful memories she fought off as they threaten to unnerve her away from her path of solidarity. Yes, she was alone. She still gets scared sometimes. Scared of the big, black, undetermined future ahead, knowing that she’s on her path alone. However alone she may be, she knows that she’s better off this way. Better to be alone for your entire life than be with the wrong people even just for a second.

            And so, Sally walked away from the cafeteria. That was not all she walked away from. She walked away from what was once part of her life. There, at the edge of the cafeteria, she left the memories of Ryan and Elizabeth. She embraced the loneliness and she walked on.

The End

Drama Drama Drama

Okay. Gosh. You wont believe what just happened! Erm, how do I start..

ASDFGHJKL I was chosen to act in this short film which will be aired on astro. SO YEAH. xD

Mind you, I'm not showing off. I kept this a secret from everyone.. until I was sure. I just felt like blogging, and et voila~ A blog update about what's happening in my life right now.

It started with a harmless tryout at an audition held by this director who's an ex-Georgian. Just tried out for fun. Didn't give it much thought initially. But then, WHAM! A text from the director, telling me I got chosen. *insert le random, loud squeal*

So today was Day 1 out of the two days of shooting. Let me tell you, it's fun. Tiring but fun. I will never be able to watch anything that has been filmed the same way again. Every scene is like a new adventure and every time you film it, it's not exactly the same. It's different, your posture, your lines, there's a little subtle difference each time that most of the time, only you will notice.

But I can say, that being an actress is a little overrated. It's not easy. Life is not a breeze. And this is coming from a sixteen year old (barely) who has had ONE shooting for a short film. But it was fun. And I'd do it again, any day. That's all for now.

A

Oh How I Miss You

Today is your birthday. Today was the day God created someone I felt so attuned to. Today was the day He set you free into the world. 

I don't know where we stand now. I don't know what we are. I don't even know what I want. But I do know one thing, I am glad you were born. I am glad I was given an opportunity to meet you. To get to know what a wonderful person you are. Sixteen years ago, on a tiny island called Penang, you were born. And I'm glad. 

I feel like I walking through water. Like I'm just having a bad nightmare. Because I actually texted you. But how I wish I was not such a wimp. How I wish I called rather than just send a measly text. How I wish I called and sang for you at the top of my lungs. I could go on forever about how I wish things were. But they aren't the way I want it, now are they? 

I know you're mad at me. I even have a rough idea why. But believe me, I still care. I know I'm a grouch, and all the things I'm doing to you are hurting you. But sweety, you'll always be my sister. Sister from a different mother, a different father and a different culture. But still my sister. Always. 

Remember my promise to you? That I want to get you a puppy? That we will go to SPCA together and get you a puppy since you're brother is away? I planned it all out in my head. But that's the past isn't it? But I won't stop praying. I will keep hoping. Maybe one day, the hope will die out. Fade away, blew away.. but for now, I'm still hoping. Still praying. 

I mean what I texted you. I hope you're happy. Now, and always. Forever. God bless you. And happy birthday. I love you. 

Oh How I Miss You. 

A 

Laughing with you is where I want to be right now. 

The Truth

It stings. I'm gonna be honest here. You called me your sister, you should know better. So, I finally figured out why you're so goddamned pissed at me. Let me just say.. WOAH! I never thought off the billion of reasons you could be mad at me about, SHE would be one of them. Come on, la! 

Just... Do whatever you want, alright? Since, you left me all alone because you want me to figure things out for myself. Rightttttt. You know what, I give up! I don't want all this crap anymore. I thought you were my oldest, bestest and most understanding friend. I guess I misjudged you. 

I'm sorry alright? I'm sorry I'm not as fake as her. Have fun with her. I hope you learn your lesson. I hope you can see through her lies. She's not that perfect okay? And here I was thinking, u knew all that. I wish you the best of luck. I pray for your joy. Goodbye, old friend. 

A

[H]old [O]n [P]ain [E]nds

Hope. Simple isn't it? Have you ever heard of the saying, "When you reach the bottom , do not be in despair, because then, the only way to go is up?". Well, I feel like I have hit rock bottom. Allah SWT is seriously testing me right now. He knows I'm strong enough, but he still wants to test me. 

One: You left me. Jaan, you left me without another word. It still stings. Today, it's been more than weeks, but damn, it still hurts. Like a wound that never heals. I'm sorry. Maaf karo. 

Two: I'm sorry, kakak. I'm sorry if I disappointed you. It is not my wish to do so. I'm merely trying my best to not end up hurt anymore. I can't keep going on like this. But believe me, kak, there's not a day that passes by without the thought of you passing through my head. What are u doing right now or how are you coping with life. Those things run like a never ending loop in my head. I miss you. I truly do. But I'm making baby steps towards independence. However, I cannot lie to myself. One word from you and all my will would crumble to dust. A part of me wish for this to happen, another part don't. Ironic isn't it? 

Three: To my best friend (I hope you don't mind that I'm still calling you that. Reality is hard to get used to), I'm sorry for whatever I did. If I ever hurt you, I hope God repays back all the times I hurt you to me. I don't know and probably never will know the reason why this is happening to us but I want you to know I'm sorry. For anything and everything. Especially for letting go. Because that is what I'm doing right now, letting go. 

Anyone else I have hurt throughout the whole time I have been moody, grouchy, hurtful, bitchy and mean.. I'm truly sorry. Forgive me. For I was going through a rough spot. It is not an excuse for me to take it out on you guys, but I'm still sorry. Truly sorry. 

I want to promise myself that starting tomorrow, 25th April 2012, I shall be a stronger person. I shall. Amin. 

A

Demanding? You can say that! ;D

Don't care if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend right now.
I don't care if you are a guy or a woman or Michael Jackson.
Just read this, it will make a difference.
If only everyone could see this and understand it.


When she stares at your mouth
Kiss her

When she pushes you or hits you like a dummy cause she
thinks shes stronger than you
Grab her and don't let go

When she starts cursing at you trying to act all tough
Kiss her and tell her you love her

When she's quiet
Ask her whats wrong

When she ignores you
Give her your attention

When she pulls away
Pull her back

When you see her at her worst
Tell her she's beautiful

When you see her start crying
Just hold her and don't say a word

When you see her walking
Sneak up and hug her waist from behind

When she's scared
Protect her

When she steals your favorite hoodie
Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night

When she teases you
Tease her back and make her laugh

When she doesn't answer for a long time
reassure her that everything is okay

When she looks at you with doubt
Back yourself up

When she says that she loves you
she really does more than you can understand

When she grabs at your hands
Hold her's and play with her fingers

When she bumps into you;
bump into her back and make her laugh

When she tells you a secret
keep it safe and untold

When she looks at you in your eyes
dont look away until she does

When she says it's over
she still wants you to be hers

When she reposts this bulletin
she wants you to read it

- Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything
- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
- When she says she's ok don't believe it, talk with her because 10 yrs later she'll remember you
- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
-Treat her like she's all that matters to you
- Stay up all night with her when she's sick
- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid
- Give her the world.
- Let her wear your clothes
-When she's bored and sad, hang out with her-Let her know she's important.

- Don't talk about other girls around her
- Kiss her in the pouring rain
- When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is:

"Whose ass am i kicking baby?"

by: Mary Junelee L. Resabal

A wound. A heart wound.

I'm love-lorn. According to Shawn, that is. But I dont listen to him, cz most of the time, theres a reason we're friends, and tht because we both crap more than make sense. Anyways.. Yes, I'm heartbroken.

In Hindi, to call a loved one by an endearing nickname is to call them Jaantush or Jaan for short. According to my friends, this means love, life, sweetheart and practically everything endearing.

I feel... Like a part of me has been torn out of my body. Forced out, screaming and bloody. Yes, it's that gory. You see, when a part of you is torn out.. You bleed, it hurts, it takes time to heal and the best part is... You feel lighter but.. you feel empty. Hollow. Like you've been burrowed through.

You feel like crap. And yes, thats how i feel right now. That's exactly how. 

Holidays, the perfect time for dramas.

So.. Yeah, Chinese New Year Holidays. Blissful week. I just love it. Every moment of procrastination i did was perfection. I love school holidays. 

So that video, yeah, it's the song that i can't get it out of my head for the moment. Also Michael Learns To Rock- That's Why You Go Away or something like that. I love all these golden songs. 

Ok, I have nothing much to say actually, just though of updating. Kay then, bubbye! 

xx

The Long Distance Relationship.

This is a tribute to those of you amazing people out there who are in a long distance relationship. My hat's off to you amazing, trusting people. 

I watched this video today. It made me cry. It restored my faith in humanity, it made me believe that anything is possible. That love knows no boundaries. 

This couple, they are just so sweet. I can see that it's not as easy as it seems. That the difference in time zones are not just small things. The way this couple trust each other, that restored my faith in people. I promise myself I will be more tolerating with people after this. 

It's not easy. And I feel that people ought to stop judging these long distanced relationship as "puppy love" and "delusional, desperate relationships". Love isn't something you can control. What i realized that, love can just happen in the blink of an eye or it might even take years to bloom. It isn't the distance that matter, it's the effort you give to work your relationship. 

I feel that people who are in long distanced relationships are more appreciative of their significant other because of the faith and trust you put into the other person. You KNOW that you can trust them despite not being able to be there to witness anything. And people who are in long distanced relationships truly make an effort to stay in touch, some to the length of dining in front of their laptops to have a "candlelight dinner" with their significant others. 

So, here's to long distance relationships and people in them. May you all always be blessed, and strong enough to beat anything and everything. 

PS: I miss my long distanced best friend. :( I hope he returns soon. <3

xx