Oh How I Miss You

Today is your birthday. Today was the day God created someone I felt so attuned to. Today was the day He set you free into the world. 

I don't know where we stand now. I don't know what we are. I don't even know what I want. But I do know one thing, I am glad you were born. I am glad I was given an opportunity to meet you. To get to know what a wonderful person you are. Sixteen years ago, on a tiny island called Penang, you were born. And I'm glad. 

I feel like I walking through water. Like I'm just having a bad nightmare. Because I actually texted you. But how I wish I was not such a wimp. How I wish I called rather than just send a measly text. How I wish I called and sang for you at the top of my lungs. I could go on forever about how I wish things were. But they aren't the way I want it, now are they? 

I know you're mad at me. I even have a rough idea why. But believe me, I still care. I know I'm a grouch, and all the things I'm doing to you are hurting you. But sweety, you'll always be my sister. Sister from a different mother, a different father and a different culture. But still my sister. Always. 

Remember my promise to you? That I want to get you a puppy? That we will go to SPCA together and get you a puppy since you're brother is away? I planned it all out in my head. But that's the past isn't it? But I won't stop praying. I will keep hoping. Maybe one day, the hope will die out. Fade away, blew away.. but for now, I'm still hoping. Still praying. 

I mean what I texted you. I hope you're happy. Now, and always. Forever. God bless you. And happy birthday. I love you. 

Oh How I Miss You. 

A 

Laughing with you is where I want to be right now. 

[H]old [O]n [P]ain [E]nds

Hope. Simple isn't it? Have you ever heard of the saying, "When you reach the bottom , do not be in despair, because then, the only way to go is up?". Well, I feel like I have hit rock bottom. Allah SWT is seriously testing me right now. He knows I'm strong enough, but he still wants to test me. 

One: You left me. Jaan, you left me without another word. It still stings. Today, it's been more than weeks, but damn, it still hurts. Like a wound that never heals. I'm sorry. Maaf karo. 

Two: I'm sorry, kakak. I'm sorry if I disappointed you. It is not my wish to do so. I'm merely trying my best to not end up hurt anymore. I can't keep going on like this. But believe me, kak, there's not a day that passes by without the thought of you passing through my head. What are u doing right now or how are you coping with life. Those things run like a never ending loop in my head. I miss you. I truly do. But I'm making baby steps towards independence. However, I cannot lie to myself. One word from you and all my will would crumble to dust. A part of me wish for this to happen, another part don't. Ironic isn't it? 

Three: To my best friend (I hope you don't mind that I'm still calling you that. Reality is hard to get used to), I'm sorry for whatever I did. If I ever hurt you, I hope God repays back all the times I hurt you to me. I don't know and probably never will know the reason why this is happening to us but I want you to know I'm sorry. For anything and everything. Especially for letting go. Because that is what I'm doing right now, letting go. 

Anyone else I have hurt throughout the whole time I have been moody, grouchy, hurtful, bitchy and mean.. I'm truly sorry. Forgive me. For I was going through a rough spot. It is not an excuse for me to take it out on you guys, but I'm still sorry. Truly sorry. 

I want to promise myself that starting tomorrow, 25th April 2012, I shall be a stronger person. I shall. Amin. 

A

A wound. A heart wound.

I'm love-lorn. According to Shawn, that is. But I dont listen to him, cz most of the time, theres a reason we're friends, and tht because we both crap more than make sense. Anyways.. Yes, I'm heartbroken.

In Hindi, to call a loved one by an endearing nickname is to call them Jaantush or Jaan for short. According to my friends, this means love, life, sweetheart and practically everything endearing.

I feel... Like a part of me has been torn out of my body. Forced out, screaming and bloody. Yes, it's that gory. You see, when a part of you is torn out.. You bleed, it hurts, it takes time to heal and the best part is... You feel lighter but.. you feel empty. Hollow. Like you've been burrowed through.

You feel like crap. And yes, thats how i feel right now. That's exactly how. 

I'm sorry

I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry I'm such a fruit cake.

 I'm sorry that I'm not perfect. 

I'm sorry that I'm not as good as she is.

 I'm sorry I'm not as pretty as she is. 

I'm sorry I'm not a better person. 

I'm sorry I screwed up. 

I'm sorry that I cry so easily. 

I'm sorry I dont know which one of you I'm apologizing to. 

I'm sorry I cant comfort you like she can.

 I'm sorry for everything I have done and everything I had to do because I thought it would be best for you.

 I'm truly, truly sorry.

 But this is me. And I can try and try and try but some things, I cant just change. 

Tell me the words to say. Tell me the things to do. For I don't know. I truly dont. But I wish I do.

I dont want to push you so hard. I'd rather push myself. 

That's because I care. I totally do.